Self-reflection

It was 3 September 2018. 

The day when I first entered UNIMAS, my mind went blank, and everything felt unreal. I could not set my mind straight as I registered everything and settled down after my brother left me alone at the place where it used to be too foreign for me to be. Well, not because of that I had never been in boarding schools before, I was in fact studying in a full boarding school back then, but the truth is that, I was contemplating a lot whether to receive the offer or not. Aside from having too little time to prepare things at that time, I was also confused. Fairly to say, I almost gave up when I failed to receive any offer for the first calling for a degree. I was actually fitting myself well in the working environment while trying to distract myself from thinking too much about not getting any offers. Even though I did make an appeal for the second calling for a degree, I still was not sure if I would go with it or not if I were offered since the courses that I got to pick were limited. 

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Yes, that’s the point. It was mainly because this course was not my main choice, and I would have lied if I said that I was okay when I received it. Never thought it would be a milestone away from my hometown, Kelantan. Of course, I wanted to pursue study, so I just went with what fate already had for me. I thought to myself that it would be hard, no doubt, but it would never be worst because I went to UNIMAS for knowledge, not for anything stupid. While I kept on reminding myself of all the positivity that I had ever since I set foot in UNIMAS, unconsciously I made a lot of friends during orientation week. It was mainly because I joined a competition for my college in inter-college. I could say that it was the moment where I realized the turning point in my life as a student in UNIMAS. 

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Frankly speaking, ever since I was in school, never have I ever had a big group of friends. Usually I would just settle with two to five people to be with throughout the years that may come, but earning this huge number of friends in university was a totally whole different experience. It was a group of people with various personalities and open-mindedness that I kept on asking myself, ‘where were these people during all these years, why had I never met someone like them...’, and the questions went on and on. I used to think that having a huge number of friends was going to be a hustle because there would be too many feelings that need to be cared for. However, they changed a whole 360 degree of my perceptions all this time. Befriending them makes me realize how much of a person could discover their true innerside. Through them I found myself and became a better me.

It was a surreal experience to have so many people to care for me. I think it was also due to us staying too far away from our hometown that each of us became one when together. The same thing goes to my coursemates. It was only the first day, I got to know a new group of people which from all the awkward until sharing stupid jokes and spending time until fajr finishing assignments. This programme, Strategic Communication supposedly won’t be any easier than anything especially since we are the first cohort. I’m pretty sure that lecturers and deans are quite expectant of our results every entire time when finals ended. I would be lying if I said that I did not feel the pressure, but learning has always been the only way to overcome things. Each semester, every time I thought that I might not make it whenever assignments seemed too much, and my stress were just too unbearable, I would just simply wish that time would pass by quickly. They say that time will heal, and so I patiently am waiting. Now, I’m in the sixth semester, which is only two semesters away from graduation. 

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Now that everything seems too deep in my memory, it was quite a memorable experience I could say because it was part of the moment that became the turning point in my life. I describe it as ‘the turning point’ because a degree is a level of education where we learn and adapt things in our phases of growing into adults, meaning to say; maturing our thoughts and also wholly from head to toe. It is where we have to commit to study for a brighter future, they  say. I wouldn’t say it was a bad experience because it could have been worse if I turned down the offer, and to say it a good experience can be much more plausible because despite all the ups and downs, at least I did gain something. Accepting the offer back then, I thought to myself that it was like giving myself a second chance that I could actually be better and prove to my parents that I can be the child that they can be proud of too. 

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Honestly, I am never a disappointment to my parents, but never really be the one they are proud of. Hence, pursuing a degree is actually a good reason to excuse myself to still find a way for them to praise me. I am still a kid after all, at least at heart. So, I believe choosing to study this programme is the best decision I have ever made and it is always a good experience except when I bummed out; that would only be for rare occasions, but yes. Happy is one word, but it is the one word that explains a lot of my experience during my time learning this programme. I never knew until I learned that I actually have quite an interest towards media and communication which wrap up pretty well for this course’s description. That wasn’t all of course, but that is what it basically is, at least it is based on my understanding.  

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From this experience which was from the younger me, I would not say that the stupid thoughts I used to have were not valid because my thoughts were indecisive and I felt that I was too young to decide things. Well, I would have just understood why I did that way because I am the type of person who would just love staying in my comfort zone instead of trying to do something that I never tried. The location is one thing, though it could just be a childish excuse, but it is something that I always find it hard to tolerate. I was afraid that I could not go home during holidays, especially when it’s less than a week. Back then I thought a lot about if bad things were to happen to my family and I was too far away to go back instantly since I need to consider so many things such as the price of a plane ticket and all.

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It was not entirely wrong because that really happened back in 2019 when I heard the news of my father passing away when I was asleep in college. I was petrified knowing that I was literally hopeless and did not have any superpower to be home right away. I even had to wait for another day to get a moderate price for a plane ticket. It was one of the worst moments I could ever imagine that I’ve definitely gone through, not even getting to see my late dad’s face for the last time. Thus therefore, I could probably say that those thoughts that I used to have actually made sense, but maybe I, myself should do something about my thoughts, meaning to say; try to have balanced thinking instead of all negatives whenever new things were to be offered in my way. 

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What else could I have done? I was not sure myself, but there is something that keeps telling me these days that I should really open up to someone from time to time whenever I have a hard time. I know that I should have decided on important things with someone more knowledgeable, more experienced than deciding it myself. However, I doubt that things would ever be any different for this event because they would surely agree with me pursuing my degree in this programme, unless they have other options. Yes, it sure will be different in a way that maybe I would not be too depressed before I really flew there, maybe I would gain some support beforehands which I did get but perhaps letting them know my thoughts would let me gain more encouragement. 

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Family itself is the embodiment of comfort, I was quite foolish to not seek their comfort back then, just hiding it away. Regardless, I still can say that I’m lucky enough that things were never really bad since I studied at UNIMAS. They might never know this, their existence itself is the embodiment of comfort, literally by conversing with one another is enough to even melt  my worries away. 

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After all this that I have gone through, I think it is safe from me to say that I surely will do better next time the same thing were to happen again. If I were to be put in a position to make a choice, I would most certainly turn to my brothers first before regretting it the second later. 

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Lesson learned, for now. 

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I wish nothing but happiness to always embrace everyone including me, and push negativities away so that everyone would be less sad, and smile more.